Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Randomize
