I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
The new google images is a smorgasbord of porn now are plans for tonight are off.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
How much have you had to drink?
Qhaghao Oslo?
That seems like quite a lot.
Randomize
