Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
God gave him joint rollers for hands
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
