1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
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