It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Randomize
