she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
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