I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Randomize
