My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday.
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
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