Do u kno any dealers?
I've officially lost all respect for you, dad.
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Randomize
