how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
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