how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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