I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
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