im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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