There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
