Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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