You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
Found your dick twin last night
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
Randomize
