Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize
