i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
Randomize
