come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
Congratulations! We have a period
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
