I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
Randomize
