the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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