I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
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