Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
You are a genius and a whore.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
Randomize
