Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
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