Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize
