Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
Randomize
