He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
I want to be your penis for a week.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Randomize
