Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Randomize
