tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
I am midnight drunk by noon
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
Pushiiing vjews 4 ma daz caik
Lyk hr kuds 4
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
Randomize
