I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Randomize
