i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
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