you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
You made out with two different species that night
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
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