I totally understand Scottish logic. No underwear+skirt=great
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
Randomize
