he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
Randomize
