I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
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