if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
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