We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Randomize
