I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
