Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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