I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
nothing this campus sells is worth it. not even sex.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Randomize
