Soap is not a condiment
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
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