just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
Randomize
