ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
I cut my penus on the lid.
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
i've hooked up with him and three of his roommates and not a single one of them knows about it..think its safe to say i found the silver lining in a boys inability to communicate
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
Randomize
