Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I made him laugh his dick is mine
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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