We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
Its your turn to fuck our RA next time she threatens us with an underage.
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
Randomize
