You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
there is partying, then there is whatever we did last night.
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
