How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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