help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
Randomize
