Your dad touched me again.
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
Randomize
