Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
I stole a fireplace last night.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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