So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize
