I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
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